You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
don't judge my taste in strippers
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
