My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Randomize
