Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
