I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
