I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
