I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
