When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
