I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
