i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
