boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
