Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
