She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
My dick has a subreddit
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
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