Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Randomize
