Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
