So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
