if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
