OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
