hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
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So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
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did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back