I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
27 People Confess The Worst Jobs They’ve Ever Had
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
25 People Confess Their Terrifying Stalker Stories
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.