He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?