If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
