I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Randomize
