I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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