oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Is Oprah even human
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Randomize
