I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Randomize
