I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. š
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
At least Iām an āessential employeeā and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesnāt ask why Iām essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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