I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
im six kinds of drunk right now
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
