sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
