I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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