dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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