Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
