he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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