I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
