can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
