dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
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