Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
