you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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