we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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