My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
