The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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