Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
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I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
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So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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