I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
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