just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
