i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Randomize
