1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Randomize
