Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
