I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
