I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
