96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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