How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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