I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
