I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
