I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Randomize
