I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
